getting in a right state : the twilight sessions

I’m very excited as I’ve recently published dates for my summer twilight tapping (eft) workshops, designed specifically for children and family professionals in the Milton Keynes area!

I’m excited as I firmly believe that this training is of huge benefit for those working in this sector – enabling them to be more effective and less stressed in the crucial work that they do.

As a former police sergeant managing teams of officers, I’m aware first hand of the stresses involved. Working as an nlp/eft coach with schools, children’s services, and family support teams – I’m aware that teachers, social workers, family support workers, nurses, midwives, and domestic violence case workers need all the support they can get. With the extra challenges of struggling economy this need has never been greater.

We’re all expected to work harder and smarter – and most of us are doing exactly that! But how long can we sustain this extra pressure, without extra resources?

How long can we do so much more with so much less? How much further can expectations rise without full and sincere acknowledgement of the individuals holding it all together right now? Surely something has to give?

Knowing how to get into  – and maintain – a right (resourceful) state, easily and enjoyably – enabling better use of our personal energy makes a whole load of difference! Great state management benefits us, and those we live and work with. And the benefit is instant.

So – getting back to the excitement! I’m excited because the summer term of emotional freedom techniques (eft) twilight sessions start at Milton Keynes on Tuesday June 12th. I’ve designed them specifically for the professionals supporting families and children. I’ve kept the cost down. And being twilight sessions (from 7pm – 9pm), I’m hoping for plenty to register.

EFT (emotional freedom techniques) it seems is loved by everyone who experiences it. The feedback from the teachers and social workers I’ve trained over several years certainly indicate this.

These unique workshops enable you to use EFT for yourself, and being accredited by the AAMET opens you to the possibility for further advanced training to use EFT with others. But let’s not jump ahead – this training is for you, and for now that’s what’s most important.

There’s plenty more information  here and when you’re ready you can book your place online. Then you too can get in a right state!

two wolves

Long ago, there was a wise old Indian Chief who always looked forward to the afternoons when his grandson would visit him on the way home from school. The chief would sit outside his tepee at the centre of the village, enjoying  the villagers passing by. And he would usually feel a deep sense of peace with the expectation of his grandson soon coming into view over the hill – and often breaking into a run – excited about relating the days events. And his grandson of course loved these one to one times alone with his grandfather.

This particular day however the Indian Chief’s intuition told him that something was wrong. His grandson eventually appeared – far later than usual, walking slowly with heavy foot, head down, his body full of tension.

The grandson was indeed troubled and with anger at a school friend who he felt had treated him unfairly.

The Indian Chief listened carefully and after hearing what his grandson had to say, and noticing his anger, he told him “I too have allowed anger and hate to take over when I’ve felt wronged by others.”

“But anger and hate only wear you down more. And keeping anger or hate does not hurt your enemy, even though that is what we think they deserve. Not letting go of these feelings is like being stung to death by a bee.”

He continued, “It’s as if inside me there are two wolves.  One wolf is good and does no harm. He is compassionate, striving to live in harmony with all around him; he doesn’t take offence, realising that everyone is doing the best they can – and that most wrong-doing and mistakes are best corrected peacefully. He will fight only when all other ways have failed  – and then with clear purpose and calm intelligence, inflicting minimal suffering.”

“But the other wolf inside me; ah! that one is full of anger. The smallest thing will trigger a terrifying tantrum. He fights everyone, all the time, and often for no reason. He even stops me from thinking clearly because his anger and hate overwhelm me. His anger is useless – it achieves nothing but more upset.”

“These two wolves both live inside me, and yet they are very different. It is hard for them to live together, and even harder for me to have them both living inside me! They battle to take over my spirit.!”

The boy had listened carefully. The boy then looked into his grandfather’s eyes and asked, “Which one will win the battle, Grandfather?”

The grandfather looked calm, smiled kindly, and then quietly replied, “The one I feed – that is the one that will win.”

Adapted from an ancient traditional cherokee indian parable.

NEW eft tapping dates added!

Will you join us in Milton Keynes? Please click on the eft link above for full details about forthcoming workshops.

thanks for visiting

Please note – I’m re-organising everything here – transferring and updating content from my old site.

Its pretty chaotic for now. So if you’ve any questions, please ask away. And check back soon to enjoy the new site/blog!

Best regards

Phil Reed

open door policy

The term ‘open door policy’ always takes me back to the 90′s when I was a police shift sergeant, and specifically to Monday afternoons, following a week of night shifts. This was the time, once a month – when my line manager, who didn’t work the night shifts – would invite me in to his office to debrief/off-load about the weeks’ operations, events, and internal shift matters.

I always looked forward to this, our monthly 1:1 time – which I found very cathartic! Although he couldn’t always meet my operational demands or agree with my grumbles (which more often than not simply about internal policies!) – I felt both listened to and acknowledged. And that was important.

Equally important was the knowledge that there would be other shorter opportunities during following weeks to sound off or discuss ideas – his door was always open. Whenever I called in to his office, my manager would listen – and pause – ponder – munch some lettuce (it was often his lunch time!) … and then listen again.

Thinking back to those times, my manager spoke very little – enabling – in fact encouraging – me to hear my own thoughts, and often with this – my own solutions and recognition of emerging possibilities. He was in the truest sense an attentive listener; his qualities being those of an excellent coach. The ‘open door policy’ was a new thing in those days and because of that often laughed at, but the truth was many of us really valued it.

I’ve since learnt from this time that -

The most effective open door policy is the one you agree with yourself.

Stop a moment and consider – when were you last still long enough to listen to your own counsel? When did you last consult those hidden aspects of who you are, what you’re about? When did you last respectfully acknowledge what’s important to you? When did you last open your own door?

… Or have you been so busy caught up in the chase for ‘happiness and success’ that you’ve not attended to what’s now?

It’s so easy to let the opportunities pass – to be so focused on what went wrong, of poor decisions (by us or others), and in how the negative patterns appear to repeat.  The sad thing is that in entertaining these thoughts, we close the door on our own wisdom, insight, joy and reassurance.

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened us. 

HELEN KELLER.

Perhaps the real opportunities arise from within -  in moments of stillness, unrushed, without judgement; when we listen unconditionally to ourselves and others with open heart and mind.

we all work perfectly!

If you look around at the people you spend time with at home or in work – you mightn’t always describe them as ‘working perfectly’.

In the same way – in our more honest moments(!) we’d also perhaps admit not expecting others to think of us as perfect. And yet in this post I suggest exactly that; that we all, each one of us – works perfectly.

As you’d expect there’s a slight twist to the title! But before I explain further, let’s first briefly consider not perfection – but rather some core aspects of what it is to be human.

Here’s an idea to consider; does being human really mean that we can only be good at finding fault in others? Its true that we may at times appear perfect at doing this – but is this really the true essence of who you are? Does the feeling you experience when you’re judging others accurately express who you are?

Psychiatrist/author/speaker Gerry Jampolsky invites us, in his wonderful classic ’Love is letting go of Fear’ – to imagine what it might be like if we became ‘love seekers’ rather than ‘fault finders’; that is not to expect perfection – but to love unconditionally. For many of us that will sound a stretch too far! Now well into his 80′s, I recently enjoyed hearing him and his wife Diane Cirincione at a workshop in London; and what came across is how they so obviously walk their talk! One of their central themes is that the way we approach something or someone – including ourselves – is paramount to how we experience life’s challenges.

As an aside, this reminds me of one of my favourite definitions of compassion – ‘meeting another one’s pain with fear not love.’

Another view of what it is to be perfect is one you may have heard before. Carl Rogers, the influential psychologist and therapist, and founder of humanistic person-centred approach to therapy famously said this;

“Before I work with someone I remind myself that there must be unconditional acceptance. I am enough; I am not perfect; to be perfect is not enough; I can hear whatever this person tells me, accept any emotion; I am human, I am enough.” Rogers’ attitude here is known as unconditional positive regard; surely an attitude we could all try on for size occasionally! About self- acceptance Rogers also said “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” I often recall my own nlp trainer, ‘the coaches’ coach’ Ian McDermott talking about what he called ‘strength in vulnerability’ – a similar concept.

Implicit in all these ways of thinking is perhaps the notion of being part of a wider and inter-connected benevolent system; the part inside being within us – an individual human system – which itself is within a wider system … a little like russan dolls!

Being imperfect is to be human. But being – rather than doing or having – is a rare quality. (How often are you just being?) As human ‘beings’ you and I are imperfect – except when we choose not to be! I say this you see, because of that twist I mentioned in the title. And the twist is this:

No one is broken; we all work perfectly.

We all operate and function by running set sequences of thoughts leading to actions that consistently generate particular outcomes. In nlp these sequences are known as ‘strategies’ – and the point here is that regardless of whether the resulting outcomes are of obvious benefit or not to us and/or others, there will always be a strategy running behind it; and that strategy will run perfectly.

So our strategies (collections of sequenced thoughts and actions) work perfectly.

However – and this is the exciting part, all strategies can be updated, deleted, generalised, or exchanged.

Just because a strategy runs perfectly doesn’t mean that it is generating the most appropriate effect in the wider system.

A useful way of thinking about all of this is to assume that for every behaviour there’s a ‘part inside’ that is busy working behind the scenes to maintain and enhance our integrity as an individual. This part inside undoubtedly has the highest of intentions for us – and yet it can often – with our help and guidance – accomplish the same outcome in an easier way, and in a way which brings benefit to the wider system. The irony is that the purposeful intent behind the patterns we run perfectly is integrity; being together in what we think, say, and do – and yet sometimes (often?) the strategies we use become ‘out of date’ and are actually at odds with who we now are! And in extreme cases the strategies, despite having evolved from initial positive intent – become destructive and frightening in their pursuit of ‘benefit’ for the individual.

The bottom line is that human behaviour is purposeful. By this I mean that everything we do, has – at some level – a genuine purpose. That is not to say that we agree with the underlying purpose. Sometimes we need to review. We need to ask of our thoughts and actions ‘Is this useful?’ and if so – ‘What is this useful for?’ ‘Where is this taking me?’ ‘Do I want to go there?’ ‘What is the effect for the wider system – for other people?’ ‘What is the legacy that I’ll leave?’ ‘Is this a true expression of who I am?’ ‘What is the real essence of being human?’

On the upside, sometimes – in fact often – a strategy (‘pattern’ and ‘structure’ are other words we could use here) which we’re running successfully in one area of our life can also be used in another. A simple example; someone who is a naturally good speller may consider themselves useless at maths because they ‘can’t do the numbers in my head’. And yet, the primarily internal visual strategy they’re likely to be using for their spelling is exactly what would be used to be great at mental maths – and vice versa! Who says maths and english don’t go together?!

Another example – someone who is (has become) a good negotiator at home can use their same underlying strategy in the boardroom at work. Too often we don’t recognise that strengths can with minor adaption be exchanged between home and work.

NLP offers many ways to make explicit and acknowledge these our subjectively unique strategies – and then to map them across into other contexts of our life. Life can then become less hit ‘n miss in that we’re able to be more consistently effective in our work performance and relationships. This effectiveness typically releases a new-found zest for life.

This is how one client described it -

“Phil’s raft of tools and techniques has brought about dramatic and speedy improvements in my professional performance and personal life. The timeline exercises in particular have made me more effective in my work whilst increasing the level and quality of energy. The two months (eight telephone sessions) I booked could be the best investment I have made so far. Even my wife is impressed!!” Sales Director

And whenever we ‘fine tune’ our internal strategies and the contexts of how we use them – life becomes very exciting; because whilst it’s great to work perfectly, it’s even better to be up to date with who we’re really becoming.

where self-esteem means compassion

For sometime now, I’ve been meaning to return to a favourite topic of mine, not that I really left it as its something so integral to the human experience – and therefore to my work as a coach. The topic – compassion, is such a vast subject I’m not always sure where to start. Of course the answer is always to start from now, from here, from wherever you are – and so that’s what I’ll do.

A couple of years ago I ran a one day workshop called ‘The Compassion Course’ (I first called it ‘The Fear of Compassion’ but then realised that this title was scaring people away!). I’ve always considered that the best way to learn something is to share it with others – and so it was – and continues to be – with compassion. There’s always more to learn, and that’s fine; life is a work in progress, and far better that we weave in a little compassion along the way! As companion to the workshop I also launched The Online Compassion Course (no longer available).

So far I’ve approached my study of compassion from the point of view of evolutionary psychology (we’re wired to be compassionate), the nlp presuppositions (eg every behaviour has a positive intention), alongside attitudinal healing , the psychology of happiness, self enquiry, self compassion, and Buddhism.

But it was in another context entirely that my interest was again piqued in the nature of compassion.

In August 2011 I was honoured to have been invited by Jane Dicker, a co-founder of the charity iHug (I Help Uganda Grow), to work with children and adults in the slum suburb of Kabalagala in Kampala, Uganda. It was one of those life-affirming experiences, in which the people you meet and their approach to life brings about a review of your hierarchy of personal values. I hope to return.

On the first day of my work there, I was with a group of about twenty-five years 5/6 school children (and some who were older as they begin their education there as/when they are able to find a sponsor to fund). During a group discussion with these children, the term ‘self-esteem’ came up.

Now for me, back in the UK – I’m always interested to hear what people mean by self-esteem. Often we talk about low self-esteem and high self-esteem – and when I ask for the meaning of high self-esteem in the UK, I typically get these types of answers -

“ … finding what you’re good at so you can feel good; being better or at least as good as the ‘next’ person; being taken seriously; having your own money to spend; having a good house or car; high status amongst your peers; being listened to; being confident; being strong; being able to speak your mind; succeeding; thinking highly about yourself; being proud of your achievements, being able to walk tall, feeling competent in the company of others, feeling others respect you …”

In essence it seems, high self-esteem in the west often involves comparison with others. We shouldn’t be surprised, given the notion of individualism that we’re all encouraged to aspire to.

So what did these east-African children say about high self-esteem?

 ”having high self-esteem is … making sure others are okay; thinking of others; including others; working with others; knowing you’re a good team together … “

High self-esteem for them wasn’t only about the individual. It was about their connectedness and sharing with others. Did this mean that they weren’t hard-working, competitive, or that they didn’t have aspirations to better themselves, or that compassion cancelled out a sense of self-esteem? Not at all – anything but! But in their world it is a given that success and happiness in life is to be found through sharing and respect for family and their wider community.

The following week, in another group discussion – this time with teenagers from the same slum suburb of Kampala – the subject of relationship came up. I asked them what they saw as the purpose of relationship? Their answers included -

“… for sexual intercourse, to satisfy me, for protection, to make me happy …”

These were perhaps similar to what you would also hear from many teenagers in the west!

But then a 13/14 year old girl said this:

“The purpose of relationships is to share my blessings with others so that they can have a better life.”

It was clear by the way she expressed this that she was completely sincere – and on looking around the group of twenty odd teeneagers – I saw that every one of them without exception was agreeing with her.

Answers to my questions to both groups demonstrated to me their simple matter-of-fact and for me incredibly moving attitude of compassion.

My experiences with the people of Kampala (and I know that the people I met through iHug were more fortunate than many there, in their opportunity for a good education and personal development) also reminded me what evolutionary psychology and attitudinal healing both tell us about this about compassion.

‘The nature of compassion is just that – compassion is a natural expression of being human.’

The smiles of the children of Kabalagala will always be with me; especially when they were waiting at our door at the beginning or end of the day. And when I think of them, I’m reminded – with huge gratitude – that when we’re able naturally – through compassion, to be ourselves; we’re able also – despite the harshness and fragility of life, to lead happy and purposeful lives.